I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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