He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
