she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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