I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
