It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
