remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
