im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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