this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
