Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
