the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
