I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
