just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
