So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
