I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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