I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
