how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
