I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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