When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
