When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize