a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
