The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
