Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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