After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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