If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
