Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
