So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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