the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
