I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
