Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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