yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
