Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
