I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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