You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
