i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
