The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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