i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The Olympian is in my bed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
