I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
