I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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