my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
