she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
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is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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