p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i came on her dog
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
