Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
