Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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