Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
