she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
did i walk over a car last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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