Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
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Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.