i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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