theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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