I'm jealous of your bromance
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
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Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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