It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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