He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
