You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
